just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
