I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Randomize
