Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
