I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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