Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
