Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
