I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
