We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
