I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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