When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
