I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
