I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
