Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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