It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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