remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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