Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
