don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
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I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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