Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
