So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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