my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
