Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
