Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
