By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
