Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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