Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
