"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
