If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
