did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
