true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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