My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
