i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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