grandma shit on top of the toilet
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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