the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
