Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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