Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
