i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
this boner is exhausting
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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