I'm gonna have a badass scar
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
