I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
