Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
