my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
