don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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