The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
