i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
