we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
