dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
