you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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