Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
