I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
so much tequila, so little girl.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
