I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
