Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
