he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
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watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
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woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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