Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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