Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize