We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
