it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
