i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
