i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
