My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
