You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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