I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
