So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Houston, we have a blender
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
