I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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