somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
