the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
