That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
