My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found puke in my bra..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
