Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
