zippers are such a cool invention
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
