mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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