Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
